*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
How long do you have to wait between naps?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.