Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.