My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
You Might Also Like
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.