Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME