My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
DOOO EEEET
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you