The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time