Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
That’s not how days work.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it