[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”