“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You Might Also Like
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
When news reporters do sports stories
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Beware of fowl play.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.