I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You Might Also Like
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*