I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Reporter: *ports again*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?