Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium