ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Good morning, Twitter x
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”