the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Holy moly