My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Warm pools make me nervous.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?