Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter