I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Always the camel, never the toe.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
At least my masseuse has my back.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.