Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If looks could kill