If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Morning.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?