Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)