Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“Great, now I have to pee.”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.