Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
You Might Also Like
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Weighing up my bread heating options
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
What about second breakfast?