Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.