I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.