It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.