5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
HELP 😭
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
i- i did not expect this
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.