Actually cracking up @ this
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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.