The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
WTF IS THAT!
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.