Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Never let them know your next move 😂
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.