Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
guilty
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.