One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*sewing*
A thread
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers