Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.