I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA