me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
He’s cranky this morning
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.