Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.