My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My blood type is b hungry.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒