You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine