“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.