Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave