Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now