7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that