6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*