Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.