For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
mom had nothing to worry about
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I’m giving up for Lent.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
c’mon!