My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Girl, same.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker