My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor