Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?