Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.