The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
You Might Also Like
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
It’s the weekend y’all
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.