Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.